Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Wednesday...can't get MUCH worse, can it? (please no?)

Mmmmmm.....this MUST be a Texas picture, huh?

I had Tiffany take me out to the nursing home Tuesday afternoon so I could see Dad. And, oh, my God. I am so fucking glad I went, just to see for myself how bad he was. I had called the nursing home Monday, and talked to Dad's nurse, and she said he was doing the stuff they told him to.
I STILL am in denial that it was really my DAD!! I know I haven't seen him since Christmastime, but still! I've talked to him on the phone a lot since then, and he's always talked to me, and everything, but yesterday when Tiffany pushed me into his room at the nursing home in my wheelchair, she just stopped and stared, and I was glad she stopped, because I was staring too! That was NOT Dad (it really was)!!When wegot there, and he was laying on his back with his mouth open...and I really thought we were in the wrong room, because that wasn't my was just an anonymous 150-year old man. And that's exactly what he looked like.
I was trying to wake him up, calling, "Dad...Dad...", and he didn't move or open his eyes, or anything. Then Tiffany starts calling, "Grandpa..Grandpa...", and he still didn't hear us. I got real scared, I was afraid he was dead or something, but Tiff said his chest was moving. We just kept it up, and finally he did wake up, but it took him a few minutes to figure out who we were. And then, when we started talking with him, he hardly said anything, because he really sounded like he had no breath. Then he sat up on the edge of the bed, and I got up out of my wheelchair, and went over & sat on the bed beside him, and just leaned over and hugged him real tight, and put my head on his shoulder, and I had the big 'cry hiccup' so I wasn't sitting there crying on his shoulder, cuz I knew if I did that, all three of us would be crying like idiots, and making a scene or something! Or making 'a spectacle of myself', as Mom always put it! When I was hugging Dad, it honestly felt like hugging a skeleton! Shit! I know he weighs 102 lbs now, but I didn't realize how much different that was from me, at 108 lbs! He's lots bigger-framed than me, and his shoulders felt like there was no skin or anything over his bones. Honestly, I love my Dad, but...Mom isn't well enough right now to take care of him. But I still don't like the thought of Dad living in a nursing home!! I never would've thought it would be like this. Tiff was upset at how Dad couldn't talk, and she took her cell phone out in the hall and called Bro, to tell him how Dad was, cuz we weren't happy at how he was. Bro couldn't come right then, cuz he was on his cell, & on his way to a business meeting, but said he'd send his son over later.
I haven't talked to Bro yet, but I AM gonna ask him, WTF was he thinkin', when he & his wife & kids said, "He looks a lot better now!" No he doesn't! Even Tiff said he doesn't, and she saw him last weekend at home!! God, I SO neverwnt to get to that point!! I hope Dr Kevorkian is out of prison!I Tiff brought me home after that, left, and I went in the bathroom and buried my face in a bathtowel, and screamed & cried. I hate saying that, but DAMN, did I feel better after that!

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